Avoidance

Well, I've been procrastinating. Not wanting to write up this post. Most of you know that we've had quite a bit going on around here, but to be honest I've just been avoiding writing about this one. It's just hard to put into words everything I'm feeling about the loss of my Dad. I think most people who actually read my blog probably already know that my father passed away on November 2 after a heartbreaking battle with early-onset Alzheimer's Disease. I'm not gonna lie - the end was terrible.

I've been avoiding this post because I felt like I needed to write something really profound and heartfelt about my Dad. But I just can't. Right now I'm doing pretty good. Most days at this point I'm doing pretty good with this. I'm relieved that I don't have to see him like that anymore and I'm so glad that I'm finding it easier and easier to remember the good times. For the past year it's been really hard to remember those good times. So that's been nice - to spend a little time with those memories. Because other than the last few years, almost all of my memories of my Dad are really awesome memories. And I'm kind of a Memory Keeping person. So that's been good. I also don't think I realized how stressed out I was about my Dad, so it's nice to not constantly be worried about his care and if my Mom is doing OK, etc. I've also felt like I've been waiting for something bad to happen for a long time now, so that's over. Basically, despite the sadness of losing my Dad much too early, I mostly feel relieved that this terrible chapter is over. I know with all of my being that my Dad would never want me to feel the sadness, anger, hurt and worry I've felt so often in the last few years and I know that he would want that to be over for me. My Dad wanted nothing more than for his family to be happy. And at this point in my life I feel pretty happy with things. Yes, I wish my Dad was here to share the day to day with me. I wish that every single day. But he's not. And I'm going to be OK. I'm my Father's daughter and he taught me that I can do anything and I am strong and intelligent and brave and a good person. I am all of these things because of my Dad. And I will survive this because my parents taught me I could do anything and I believe them.

I love you Dad.